The Dark Knight

Just A Feeling
By: Muhammad Nasyriq

Reunion. Plain and simple. My heart thumped two times faster than usual. A hint of sweat came rushing down my forehead as I hesitantly moved my cursor to open that e-mail I had just received. My throat felt lump. I wanted to vomit and die at the same time. I clicked the link. Waited patiently as the window opened the content of the e-mail. And as I guessed, there’s going to be a reunion. The organizer? My ever trusted friend; Chang Wern Sern. He used to be the organizer for every single event during my high school years. Be it, having a soccer match at the nearby field or just the usual mamak session every now and then. He was the guy and, it looks like, he still is the organizer of our bunch of friends. I closed the e-mail, shut my laptop and took my shower. Trying really hard to forget about this reunion.

A normal person would be delighted to meet their old friends again. You get to walk down memory lane. Exchange stories that you’ve heard millions of times. Like that time, Ka’el struggled to get his glasses from Tarmizi because he couldn’t even see where Tarmizi put his damn glasses. Or maybe like that time where, the football people in the class, stole the school’s ball and signed on it. They got caught for doing that by the way. Or maybe like that time where, we had the haziest day in Subang and the guys did this rain dance, praying for the rain to clear up that dirty air. Good times I say, really good times. There, those are some of many stories that could be exchanged at the reunion but I still have an uneasy feeling about attending it. I need to take my shower again, take my mind of things.

A day has past and I still have lingering thoughts on this reunion. I have a job. I’m married. I have a beautiful family. I have an average looking house. I have two cars. Based on that, you could say I turned out pretty well after all these years. I’m not an ‘American Psycho’. It’s just a phrase I use to describe the average Joe who has a disturbing hobby, namely killing people just for the sake of it. I’m not that person. I have no secrets whatsoever. You could put me on ‘The Moment of Truth’. Nothing to hide here. I have no troubles with my ex classmates. I have no contacts with underground drug dealers. I have no criminal records. I have no…

Maybe I have finally found out why I had that uneasy feeling about going to this reunion. I have nothing. I don’t have any new tales to tell. I lead a pretty average life. I go to work, calculate some stuff for my company, advice people on what to do with their money, just make damn good decisions for people and improve their former miserable life into a life of luxury. I might as well ask my clients to go to that reunion and tell how I managed to make their life successful. It’s different you know. Me telling how I make peoples’ lives better and they telling how I make their lives better. The difference with them doing the talking is, I’m not there. I get to hide under the shell; I get to hide my face, my humiliating job. I’m just a miserable cunt right now. I’m going to take my shower, again.

Taking my shower, that’s the common theme in this story so far. I love taking showers. That’s all I’m going to talk about in this paragraph, taking my shower. When I take my shower, I just get to relax my mind. The water raining down on my vanishing hairline is just heaven to me. Cold or hot water, it’s just so damn good. I think a lot in the shower. There was this one time, I thought about how weird it is that some words are contradicting to what it actually means when it’s by its’ self. Like sugar free. A logical and I do mean really logical person would think, “Damn, this drink must have lots of sugar in it. It’s sugar free! Free sugar.” Well, that’s from a really, and may I stress, REALLY logical persons mind. The actual meaning of sugar free is that, it contains zero amounts of sugar in whatever sugar free is written on. Contradicting I say. Then there’s this one time I thought about this reunion that I didn’t want to go to. Damn it, I’m thinking about the reunion in the shower. I’m supposed to get my mind of this. Beat this; I’m going to the gym!

Reunion. It’s still on my mind. I’ve tried many things to get it off my mind. I can’t face going to the reunion with nothing new to tell. It’ll just be the same old thing. I’ll be talking about the wonderful honeymoon I had with my wife, Syahirah Hidayah. Want to hear? We went to Africa. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but Africa is actually a nice place to visit. Because of the large number of countries in Africa, we had a tough time choosing where to go. After a decent conversation with the wife, we decided to trek up Mount Kilimanjaro. It took a week to get up there and the best thing is, no special training was required. We had to just follow whatever our guide insist on us doing. It was quite an experience as we’ve never been through such a grueling activity before. Staying in tents, seeing various unknown species and getting bitten by them. We had a whale of a time. Maybe I could tell that story; my honeymoon to the people at the reunion. The problem is, the only thing that’s interesting about my life is, my wife. That’s all I talk about; I might bore my friends to death. Again, taking my mind of things, gym is calling.

I know what some of my friends might talk about. Soh Shan Yong is in the papers. He recently won a very big controversial case. Defending our current prime minister, Farhan Syarif, for sexual allegations. I bet he has many things to say, like the truth for instance. I’m happy for them; they turn out pretty damn well in my opinion. Omar on the other hand is the leading neurosurgeon of the country. He must be the busiest of the bunch of us. Always at the hospital. Reminds me of that dude in Grey’s Anatomy, Dr. Derek Shepherd. He must have thousands of new stories to tell; saving countless of lives. Heck, he might not even be at the reunion due to his commitment to being the best neurosurgeon around. Asrul on the other hand, he must have already banged 100+ stewardesses by now, having flown for maybe 25,600 odd hours. I’m sure he must have interesting stories to tell. Gym’s not taking my mind of things, I’m going to open up to the wife, she always has solutions to my problems.

“What should I do sayang?” I asked my wife in a very ‘manja’ tone. She being such a good adviser gave me inspirational words, words that would eventually lead me, convince me to go to the reunion. “Just go to the reunion, have a blast. Don’t worry about what you do. Don’t worry about how boring your job is. Don’t worry about having to tell the honeymoon story over and over again. Because baby, that’s who you are. If they don’t like you or see you in a different way then why bother? Why bother impressing them? So what if Asrul has banged 100+ girls? So what if Chang Wern Sern has written his own psychology book, which may I add is a great book to read. Just go there, and enjoy yourself. Mingle with your classmates. And if that doesn’t help you settle in, lie baby, just lie.” She jokingly said. I heard every single word she said but the last sentence, I listened. I took that advice and I planned my deceit from the moment she said lie.

Reunion day has arrived and I am going. I can’t take my car to the reunion as it’s in the workshop for a new paint job; getting the car in all white. I find white cars cool; the downside is that you got to wash it very frequently. The other car is my wife’s, plus I think they’re going out later; family movie night. I hired a cab to take me to the reunion place; Sunway Pyramids new section. They just expanded their shopping area. It’s massive now. On the way, I rehearsed my lines. Where I work? What happened? How I got my job? Who I met? It was all in my head. For tonight, I’m no longer a finance manager, I’m an event organizer. Call me the celebrity organizer guy. Then I went blank…

I’m at the reunion place, Italianiese. No one’s here. Just when I had the perfect story to tell and no one’s here yet. Chang Wern Sern booked the whole restaurant just for the class but unfortunately, I was the only one there. I waited for an hour. I left a minute later, disappointed to the fact I can’t brag about my imaginary job. I returned home, everyone’s not around. I guess the family went to watch Saw ∞ since it’s a Friday night. Honestly, I thought the Saw franchise would end after the first few showings. But they just keep bringing the dude back from the grave. That John Kramer guy. Well, if it’s making them money, I guess it won’t hurt to bring back the dead countless times. I feel lonely, first going to the reunion and nobodies there. Now, my families out. I’m going to take my shower again, maybe I could feel better. But something’s different. I can’t feel the drizzle the shower gives me. I can’t smell the aroma of water pouring out of the dotted shower heads. Maybe it’s because of the mood I’m in; nobody around, no wife to hug/kiss, no children to bully, no car to toy with. Yeah, maybe that’s why I can’t feel the warmth of the heater. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

I wake up, but everything seems different. I feel so light. I see my parents, unusual. They have tears in their eyes. It’s been awhile since I last saw them. They give me this big hug and say “We love you. Goodbye.” It brought a tear to my eye. But it was so weird. Why would they say that? Where am I? I black out again.

My head is spinning around, I feel really dizzy, my wife is beside, holding my hands really firmly. She’s crying. I could hear her telling me stories. Stories of our times in Genting Highlands where both of us just couldn’t scream no matter how much we wanted to when we were on that ride. Stories of our times when we went to Africa, just the way I would tell them to my friends. She went on, repeating that she listened to every word I said. She even retold a scenario I went through at work, proving she actually does listen although it seems like she’s just hearing me. I want to tell her I’m alright, but I can’t. I open my eyes, I’m in the hospital. She hugs me instantly; her emotional dam just erupts causing my sheets to be wet. She utters the words “I love you, don’t ever leave me.” I’m in shock as I don’t know what has happened. I only could reply her saying “I love you too.”

She let me rest. I lay there wondering what the hell has happened. When I regained my energy, she finally muscled up the courage to tell me what happen that night I went to the reunion. “You were on your way to Sunway Pyramid when you encountered a horrible horrible accident. Your cab crashed heads on to the other car. None of the people in the car survived. I’m sorry to say but, the other car that you had hit was, your parents car.” The moment I heard that, I crumbled. I recalled that dream that dream were they said “I love you.” It wasn’t a dream, I met them. I was truly devastated. My wife then continued “We all went to the hospital, your friends too, to wish you a speedy recovery. You were in a coma, for close to 3 weeks. I love you, please fight to stay alive for our family. Please.”

*to be continued.